February 5, 2012
So last night I was thinking about how I am not going to be able to make a cake for Jaiden's first birthday, and it made me feel a little sad. But then I started to reflect on my journey with this child over the last year, and one particular memory stuck out in my head.
Now usually when I start to think about all the stuff that happened with Jaiden, my head tends to go to the ambulance rides, the many needle pokes to get an IV, the blood transfusion, the scopes, my inability to nurse him, or even the moment I got to fall asleep with him in my arms when it was finally all over - my first moment of peace with him in weeks. But that is not where my head went last night. My head went to a moment I have not thought about once since it all happened.
Last night I could see myself sitting in the ER waiting room. It was the FIRST time we were in ER. Both my husband and I had debated about bringing him because we were told over the phone that he was probably dehydrated. During both my pregnancies I became dehydrated, so we knew the drill....4 hours IV fluids then go home. No big deal. So we debated if we wanted to put him through that stress when we could just try to really push fluids at home. But there was the blood in his diaper.....that was a concern we just couldn't ignore and decided to take him to ER.
So here I am in the ER just about 4 days after giving birth. I remember carrying him in by myself and struggling with that as my husband parked the car. I filled out the paper work and sat down. Jaiden was asleep in the seat and sitting across from me was an elderly couple. The last thing I wanted to do was to have small talk, yet the elderly lady came over to see the baby. I mean, I get it, who can resist peaking at such a new baby?
She asked if we were here for the baby. And I explained, as positively as I could, that he was just a little dehydrated and he was going to be just fine. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself of that. My motherly instinct knew at that point that something wasn't right, and that it was more than just dehydration. It turns out that I was right.
She went and sat back down when my husband came in, and him and I sat in silence and watched are 4 day old baby sleep in his car seat.
Why did this memory so vividly pop into my head last night? I think because that was the final moment before it all began. The final moment before all the chaos and worry began. The last moment before things like blood count, hemoglobin, amino acid formula, food trials, and Fpies became part of my regular vocabulary. The final moment before my world, and his, would be flipped upside down and we would have to work every day to find what our new normal would be.
So now, almost a year later from that time, I think we are finally getting a hang of this thing called Fpies. We are finding ways to make things easier for Jaiden and for the family as a whole. So what that he doesn't get a cake for his birthday? He is here, he is happy, he is healthy! My life is better every day that he is in it! He has given me a strength I never knew I had and he has taught me more about life in the last 10 months then I have learned in the last 30 years! Plus, there is no greater gift then hearing him laugh, cake or no cake!